


Like a thorn in a flower

by Burtonized



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Lovers, Hoseok being a good friend, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Little bit of Fluff, M/M, Miscommunication, Yoo Kihyun-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 09:42:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22848106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burtonized/pseuds/Burtonized
Summary: Kihyun knew his soulmate was out there somewhere, but he wished he didn't have one. His soulmate was the reason his arms were covered in flowers.Because scars on your soulmate's skin, duplicated as flowers on your own.And Kihyun hated it with his entire being.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 16
Kudos: 255





	Like a thorn in a flower

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination and mistakes.

Everyone had a soulmate and Kihyun resented it.

The idea of having a soulmate, of having someone you had to spend the rest of your lives with once you finally met, baffled him. It unnerved him down to his very core, making him feel uncomfortable in every fibre of his being.

It was, according to the many stories people were all too eager to tell, a rather emotional happening to find your soulmate. The ordeal was bound to change both persons, strengthening the bond they shared in such a way that one would not be able to live without the other - at least not for more than a few days. Any type of distance would inevitably lead to the death of both persons, with literal heartbreak being the cause of death.

Most people saw it as a blessing: knowing your perfect partner was out there somewhere and once you met, you would spend the rest of your lives together.

Kihyun saw it as a nuisance.

Soulmates were found every single day, with people randomly bumping into their soon-to-be partner for life or with children and teenagers finally growing of age when the bond was strong enough to survive the bonding. Not every person was lucky enough to find their soulmate, ending up alone for life or with a partner that was not their soulmate, the relationship doomed to always miss something. Others were unlucky in the sense that they found their soulmate, but had a soulmate that simply did not care, ending up in a miserable love triangle with a partner that was never fully theirs or dead within days due to the distance.

Having a soulmate meant there was a connection, one that would strengthen the day two soulmates would finally meet. It was said that the force of the bond finally strengthening felt like the earth shifted, the centre of gravity no longer revolving around the sun. One could feel the bond, once they came of age (and that age was different for every single human being, with some people never coming of age, leaving their soulmate with an incomplete bond forever).

The bond itself could be felt in one’s heart, vibrating along with the beating of the organ. It was a warm feeling, so distinctive that whenever someone suddenly felt the bond, they would know what it was. Other than that, the bond was relatively silent. It wasn’t the name of the other written on the wrist or being able to hear what the other thought, like some romantic writers had opted.

Kihyun would have been okay with a name on his wrist, truly.

A name on his wrist for the rest of his life would have been fine. It would have been easy to deal with. But no, Kihyun didn’t have a name on his wrist to remind him of his soulmate. No, his wrists (the both of them) were covered with flowers, courtesy of his soulmate.

It had twisted the dislike into resentment.

Soulmates were connected in strange ways, mostly evident in the ability to feel the pain of your soulmate. Emotional pain was a bit more difficult to feel unless the pain was too deep or the bond strong enough, but physical pain transferred incredibly easy. Every little scratch or wound that one would get duplicated on the skin of the soulmate. If a wound was repeated often enough, the scar would become a flower. A permanent image that only the kiss of a soulmate could undo.

Kihyun had always known that his soulmate was a clumsy person. From the moment he had felt the bond, he must have been around seven (younger than most, for some reason), his fair skin was covered in scrapes and bruises that weren’t his.

There had been one particular moment where Kihyun had been in class, minding his own business like the good student he tried to be, when his arm made a horrible cracking noise, followed by the feeling of intense pain. He had been rushed to the nearest hospital and while the doctor carefully wrapped Kihyun’s broken wrist in a cast, he had explained that it happened sometimes where a bond between two soulmates was already that strong, that broken bones could be transferred.

Apparently Kihyun’s soulmate had been a little bit _too_ clumsy, broken his arm, and due to their stupidly strong bond (which Kihyun didn’t understand in the slightest), Kihyun had broken his arm too.

To say Kihyun hadn’t been amused was an understatement; he had cursed his soulmate to hell and back again every single day his broken arm had needed to heal. But it had never been enough to make him dislike his soulmate. Despite his uncomfortable feelings surrounding the idea, he wasn’t opposed to actually meeting his soulmate. While he was often moody about the many bruises, there was also that small flicker of excitement.

It didn’t stop with the bruises, scrapes, and occasionally broken bone though, much to Kihyun’s dismay.

When he had seen the first slit on his wrist one morning, he was fifteen years old or so, he thought nothing of it. He knew his soulmate was clumsy, had accepted the scrapes and bruises and occasional rapidly fading scar to be a part of his life forever. But it didn’t stop with that one slit and after one turned into ten and ten red lines turned in to ten white scars, Kihyun knew something was up.

His soulmate was hurting himself, on purpose, and marking his wrists.

It took a little less than a month or two after it first happened when Kihyun saw the blossoming of the first flower on his wrist. He had broken down and cried, hating the little flower immediately. The skin had been red and angry and the flower itself wasn’t that pretty either. It looked wrong on Kihyun’s fair skin, but he knew there was no way he would be able to get rid of it. Not without meeting his soulmate - but Kihyun had no desire to meet his soulmate whatsoever. Not anymore.

His resentment grew into hatred; the flicker of excitement died a silent death.

As he got older, the flowers grew, both in size and in amount. The insides of his arms were filled with flowers, all the way up to his elbow. They were all different sizes and colours, making for a rather mismatched collection. He detested them and found himself looking at them often in the privacy of his own room, his fingers scratching over the skin with force and his cheeks wet with angry tears.

Kihyun never showed them to anyone, always wearing long sleeves to cover up the shame.

People still asked, though, annoying Kihyun to no end. Especially during summer, when another heatwave hit them in the face, people would look at him all funny and ask why he was wearing long sleeves. Kihyun would rarely answer, preferring to throw them one if his _looks_ that made them cower away in fear. He might not be tall or broad, but if looks could kill he would be the best assassin out there.

Perhaps that was why Kihyun liked his job, being a photographer at weddings, as it allowed him to wear long-sleeved button-ups without question, no matter whether it was freezing outside or as warm as the Sahara.

People didn’t tend to ask him questions during weddings, at least not very often. The occasional emotional grandmother or slightly drunk uncle would ask him, during the blissful quiet moments. He would simply shake his head and they would pat his arm, completely unaware of the flowers hidden underneath the smooth silk of his blouse, telling him that he would have a wedding like this too someday. Words were intended to be meaningful but had been said so often that they had lost all their meaning. Kihyun had learned to simply let conversations like that go. The few models he photographed in the modest studio he had built in the spare room of his small apartment never asked either; they were too busy getting their own pictures taken to acknowledge what Kihyun was wearing.

But it didn’t stop Kihyun from feeling like an outsider far too often, when he would tug on the hem of his sleeves to cover the ugly petals that came up to his wrist. It didn’t stop the feeling of jealousy, when he would grab his light coat and sat by the beach, looking at the free and unknowing people roaming and splashing around in the sea.

Kihyun found himself, more than once, wishing he didn’t have soulmate. He would take a life of unfulfillment over those flowers that mocked him any time.

But of course, life didn’t work like that. Soulmates may be a real thing, but wishing on a star was still a fairy tale.

And fairy tales never came true in reality.

.

Having a soulmate wasn’t entirely bad, even though Kihyun preferred to think that it was.

Kihyun saw it in his parents, who were still very much in love and happy. He saw it in his brother, who got happily married a little while ago and moved to Japan with his wife, expecting their first kid together. But he also saw their struggles, the knowledge that leaving was always an option, but one that would doom both people. It made fights unfair, unrealistic, too emotional.

Most of all, Kihyun saw it in Hoseok.

Hoseok had been his best friend since forever, being his brother in any way but blood, and Hoseok had found his soulmate extremely early. He had gone out to play one day, Kihyun preferring to stay inside with his book, and had come back with a skinny kid that looked inches away from falling asleep. He had worn the brightest grin Kihyun had ever seen and had happily announced Hyungwon was his soulmate.

Apparently, or so they both told, they had looked at one another and it had felt like the earth had shifted. That was all it took.

Their meeting had truly been as easy as that, as were the years that followed. It was simple, comfortable. They saw each other daily at school, met during the weekends, and joined each other on holidays. It was fine and easy, their bond able to flourish into something beautiful and seemingly unbreakable.

Their relationship had grown into an incredibly strong bond, as was to be predicted, but the early finding of one another had also brought many difficulties. They weren’t the same now, halfway in their twenties, as the little kids they had been when they met. There were differences in opinions, views, ideas, wants, and needs. They clashed often enough, but always found their way back through the bond, through their genuine love for the other. That didn’t make it any less difficult, though.

Hoseok had followed Hyungwon when the latter had announced he wanted to go to a university across the country. Hyungwon had stopped his degree and had followed Hoseok when the latter had come back home due to intense homesickness.

Kihyun had seen the way it had affected the both of them; Hoseok filled with guilt, Hyungwon filled with anger. It had taken weeks for them to finally forgive one another, but in those weeks, they had been at their worst.

They had needed space. Space to think, space to calm down, space to reflect. But the bond made that impossible. Two days was all they got, before they hurried back into each other’s arms. With their bond as strong as it was, they had very little leniency, very little flexibility before the bond would hurt and force them back together.

It was evident, at least to Kihyun, that having a strong bond could be both a blessing and a curse.

It had been difficult to see his friends that period, Kihyun allowing Hoseok to sleep over whenever Hoseok needed the space. He had met up with Hyungwon every other day, talking about nothing and everything, trying to help his friend. Hoseok may have been his best friend since forever, but Hyungwon had grown on him too.

All in all, Kihyun had been glad when they finally forgave one another, and everything could go back to normal.

To be fair, it had been a bit different when Minhyuk had met Jooheon. Minhyuk had gone for a coffee to a new place and had come back not only with a coffee, but with his soulmate as well. Their relationship was new and fresh, and they discovered one another at a moment where they had both already grown into adults. The relationship seemed easier that way, more balanced. Where Hoseok’s and Hyungwon’s lives were so intricately entwined, Minhyuk’s and Jooheon’s weren’t. Not yet, at least.

They were able to do their own things, peacefully next to the things they did together. They had already graduated, and had recently moved in with one another after moving back and forth between Minhyuk’s apartment and Jooheon’s dorm for the better part of the first year they were together.. Plans were made _together_ , and if one of them didn’t want something, it simply didn’t happen.

Still, every little bit of hope Kihyun could possibly have had about the ideas of soulmates vanished when he looked at his wrists. The flowers didn’t grow nor didn’t add as fast as they used to do when he was a teenager, but every once in a while, Kihyun saw the formation of a new one.

It left him nothing but angry.

Angry that his soulmate didn’t care enough. Angry that _he_ had a soulmate that didn’t care enough. Angry at the world, perhaps also angry with himself.

Hyunwoo was the only one inside their little group of friends, besides Kihyun, that hadn’t found his soulmate yet either. The difference was that he did not seem to mind much, busying himself with his job as professional dancer. Sometimes they would talk about it, but Kihyun found those conversations striking a nerve within him. Hyunwoo was so carefree, so irrationally calm about the entire idea of soulmates that it left Kihyun wondering why he was resenting his own soulmate so much.

But then he would look at his wrists and that familiar, bitter feeling would fill his senses, and Kihyun would remember the reason why.

The flowers never allowed him to forget.

.

It was a rather uneventful Saturday when Minhyuk and Hoseok knocked on Kihyun’s door.

Kihyun had spent his entire morning cleaning his apartment, taking liberty of the fact that for once, he didn’t have a wedding on his usually busy Saturdays. He missed his free Saturdays, where he would wake up before the crisp of dawn. Kihyun had always been a morning person, and while his job allowed him to continue his early waking, it didn’t often allow him rising early on a free Saturday.

He was just finishing wiping the countertop when he heard the knock - soft and rhythmic - and Kihyun rolled his eyes and Hoseok’s quirky habit, but a smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“Hey,” he said as he opened the door. It was just Hoseok and Minhyuk, their soulmates nowhere to be seen. “Where’s your other halves?”

“Hyungwon was sleeping in,” Hoseok shrugged. “I think he muttered he might join us once he was properly awake.”

“And Jooheon is working,” Minhyuk chirped happily. His hair was freshly died in that platinum blonde he liked so much. Kihyun suspected it was because the colour was as bright as Minhyuk’s energy. “Which is why we’re going to the café he works at!”

“And you’re not allowed to say no.” Hoseok smiled, his nose scrunching up as he did so.

“ _Fine_ ,” Kihyun sighed, opening the door further to let them in, knowing that any resistance was futile and nothing but a wase of energy. “Just give me a few minutes to change and grab my stuff.”

And that’s how Kihyun found himself walking into a small cafeteria, barely thirty minutes later. Minhyuk often talked about the place, saying how they sold some insanely good bubble tea. Kihyun was undecided whether Minhyuk told the truth or whether Minhyuk was overselling the place because his soulmate worked there. They took their place in line, waiting for their turn.

“You havn’t been here before yet, right?” Minhyuk asked, his eyes on the menu that hung above the counter.

“No. I didn’t really have the time,” Kihyun said, his eyes quickly going over the menu as well.

“ _Lies_ ,” Minhyuk tutted. “You just didn’t want to go.”

Kihyun threw him a look. “I am here now, okay?”

Hoseok threw his arm, big and muscled, around Kihyun’s shoulders. “Lighten up, Kiki. What’s got your knickers in a twist?”

“Nothing. This just isn’t how I planned on spending my Saturday. My _free_ Saturday.”

Minhyuk quirked his eyebrow. He should look ridiculous, in his ripped jeans, yellow sweater with little images of various dogs and the band around his head, his bangs flopping over it. He _really_ should look ridiculous, but he didn’t and it annoyed Kihyun.

But then again, many things annoyed Kihyun.

He wasn’t dressed too different though; black jeans, striped sweater (slightly too big on his small frame, the hems falling over his hands), worn sneakers. It was easy, casual, and covered all of the hideous flowers.

Jooheon spotted them first, giving Minhyuk a quick peck on the cheek and beaming at Hoseok and Kihyun, his cheeks dimpling as he did so.

There was something about soulmates when they saw one another after being apart. It was visible in the way Minhyuk’s shoulders were less tense, in the way Jooheon’s dimples deepened just slightly. Kihyun knew Hoseok and Hyungwon were the same. Even now, Hoseok had a certain rigidness in his stance, a certain lack of brightness in his broad smile.

“I have to go back to work though,” Jooheon said after they exchanged quick greetings and easy pleasantries about their day. “It’s busy and I fear for the coffee beans if Changkyun is alone with them for too long.”

“Why?” Hoseok asked, while Minhyuk stifled a laugh behind his fist. It seemed this wasn’t the first time Minhyuk heard about the coworker that was named Changkyun.

Jooheon grinned, his eyes narrowing and his dimples deepening. “Because the beans will end up all over the floor. There’s clumsy and then there is Changkyun.”

“Why do they allow someone to work in a place like this then?” Kihyun wondered out loud, arching an eyebrow.

Jooheon shrugged. “He’s good with customers and he’s nice to work with. He does his job well and apart from occasionally spilling a drink or throwing the beans, he’s good at what he does. Makes a really neat bubble tea with some coffee in it.”

“I don’t see it on the menu,” Minhyuk pouted.

“He usually makes it only for us, not the customers. But just say I said that you guys should ask for his specialty, he’ll make it.”

With another quick peck on Minhyuks cheek and a small wave towards Hoseok and Kihyun, Jooheon left, his frame retreating back to the counter.

“Hey, he dyed his hair red,” Hoseok commented, as his eyes followed Jooheon.

“You only notice that _now_?” Minhyuk shook his head and tutted loudly. “We dyed it together last night. We got bored of the black.”

Kihyun tuned them out, focussing his attention instead on the menu. It was decorated brightly, with different cups of tea and some cheesy quotes about love and how tea was the drink for the soul. It wasn’t exactly his cup of tea, no pun intended, but he had to admit that the small business had its charms.

It smelled lovely, that type of smell that invited you in; warm and cosy, but not too overpowering. It smelled like the hug of a maternal figure, that typical smell that reminded you of home and sweet places to escape when in dire need. The lighting was pleasing on the eyes too. It was a bit on the yellow side, but it was soft and enough to light up the counter and most of the tables, but not enough to light the tables in the furthest corners properly. Kihyun had already seen some overly excited teens making out in the pretence of fake privacy. The décor was quite nice overall, with soft brown chairs and light wooden tables. It was quite modern, but with some touches of older eras mixed in.

Kihyun was still focused on the menu when it was their turn in line.

“Hey,” came the voice from the barista behind the counter. It was low and deep, the syllable rolling smoothly off his lips and Kihyun swore he felt a shiver run down his spine. “What can I get you today, guys?”

“ _Welllll_ ,” Minhyuk drawled, and Kihyun didn’t have to look to know he was smiling that obnoxiously bright smile. “Honey mentioned your specialty?”

The barista snorted, though Kihyun wasn’t sure whether it was because of Minhyuks pet name for Jooheon or because Minhyuk had dared to ask for the specialty. He didn’t really care, if he was honest, as he was still indecisive of what kind of bubble tea he wanted.

“One special coming right up,” the barista said smoothly. “And for you, muscleman?”

Kihyun ignored the need to roll his eyes. People tended to focus on Hoseok’s outer appearance, forgetting the actual man. But as always, Hoseok was too kind (or too oblivious, sometimes Kihyun just did not know) and laughed amicably.

“I would like one of that special drinks of yours as well,” Hoseok said. The barista didn’t answer, humming instead as he tapped some of the buttons on the screen in front of him.

Kihyun was still scanning the menu, narrowing his options down when the barista asked for his attention.

“And what can I get you? I could suggest you something off the menu, but I could make you one of that specialty too, if you’d like.”

Kihyun was ready to tell the barista to stop the kindness and that no, he did not need help, nor did he want the specialty, when he looked up and locked eyes with the barista.

His mind went blank completely, and his heart pumped aggressively in his chest. All he could do was look at the barista, into those eyes that seemed to draw him in, refusing to let go.

And suddenly he was falling, down, down, down, until he wasn’t.

 _And the gravity of the earth shifted_.

.

It was easy to say you weren’t interested in meeting your soulmate if you had never met.

There was always that little feeling, pulsating right next to your own heartbeat that made you aware you had a soulmate, in a different way than the shared bruises did. It was a feeling that was simply _there,_ and you rarely paid it any mind. It was just there, vibrating and alive, reminding one that their soulmate was still walking the earth. Most people forgot about the feeling, like one forgets the beating of their own heart if they don’t focus on it.

Kihyun had never really focused on the fluttering feeling, his attention always on the flowers on his arms. When he had been younger, and just the tad bit more optimistic, the feeling had been calming. But that was before everything happened, before he felt nothing but hatred towards his soulmate.

Kihyun had simply… _forgotten_. And with that, he had been able to feign disinterest.

But soulmates are far more intricately entwined than that and in hindsight, Kihyun should have known.

Then again, hindsight was always a bitch.

Kihyun was still looking at the barista ( _fuck, his soulmate_ ) with wide eyes, and suddenly he was far too aware of the fluttering in his chest, that wasn’t coming from his own heart. It intensified, the fluttering synchronizing with his own beating heart, entwining almost painfully and Kihyun grabbed at his chest, the sudden need to rip his heart out.

The feeling was both too much and not enough and Kihyun wasn’t sure if he wanted to run away as far as possible or run straight into the arms of a total stranger.

Kihyun barely had any time to compose himself nor was he sure how much time had passed since he first locked eyes with the stranger.

( _Changkyun_ , he reminded himself. The barista was Jooheon’s friend. The clumsy friend.) 

But then Changkyun’s eyes narrowed, and the smile was no longer visible, his lips pressed into a thin line instead. “Of course,” he spat, his already low voice suddenly even lower and filled with distain, “it has to be someone like you.”

The words hurt somewhere in Kihyun’s chest, but he didn’t understand _why_. “I--What?”

But Changkyun didn’t elaborate, didn’t give Kihyun any chance to say something else. Instead, he turned around, mumbled something into Jooheon’s ear and disappeared behind one of the doors behind the counter.

Something in Jooheon’s gaze had suddenly darkened and he frowned as he walked towards them. “I’m sorry, you won’t be getting that specialty today.”

“It’s fine, Honeybee,” Minhyuk chirped, but his face lacked the usual bright smile. It scared Kihyun all of a sudden. To not see Minhyuk smile meant something really bad was happening.

Jooheon smiled sadly, his eyes not smiling along. “In fact, I think it’s better if you guys just… go.”

Kihyun wanted to protest, wanted to know what was going on, but Hoseok’s arms were suddenly around his shoulders and he was dragged out of the little cafeteria. 

They didn’t really speak on the way back and Kihyun barely remembered making it back to his apartment. His mind was a total mess, his whole soul suddenly aching in ways that he didn’t know were possible. He knew both Hoseok and Minhyuk were looking at him worriedly, but he didn’t understand anything himself.

For some reason, he had found his soulmate and his soulmate had walked away.

It hurt more than he wanted to admit.

.

It took quite some hours before Kihyun felt somewhat human again. He had ended up in his bed, sleeping the day away (what a waste of his free Saturday), slipping in and out of dreams that had him waking up shivering and covered in his own sweat.

The merging of the bond was an incredibly emotional happening and could exhaust both persons immensely. Usually, soulmates helped one another getting through it, by staying together and acting upon the needs that their souls wanted.

But Kihyun was alone and had to face the exhaustion and emotional load on his own.

The apartment was mostly dark, save from the light in the kitchen. Kihyun found his way easily, passing the small living room and ducking a little (even though he didn’t need to) when he stepped through the frame that separated the kitchen from his living room.

Hoseok sat at the dining table (round, old, the wood worn), nursing a cup of tea, a second cup beside him. His head perked up once Kihyun stepped inside the kitchen, but there was no smile, no friendly greeting.

It made Kihyun nervous in a way he rarely was around Hoseok, lingering in front of the table.

“Minhyuk just called,” Hoseok said, gesturing for Kihyun to sit down. He obliged, taking the cup of tea Hoseok handed him. “Jooheon told a little bit, but he refuses to say a lot. Apparently Changkyun wasn’t really… happy to finally meet you.”

Kihyun wanted to snort, but found he had no energy for it. “That’s one way to put it.” He sipped at his tea, the water burning his tongue. He didn’t care, though. The burning pain was better, _easier_ , than the pain in his chest. “He ran away from me, Hoseok. My soulmate saw me and ran away. I think saying he wasn’t happy to meet me is a bit of an understatement.”

“Any idea _why_ he wouldn’t be happy to meet you?”

“No,” Kihyun said honestly. “To be fair, I feel like I should be the one unhappy to meet him.”

Hoseok arched an eyebrow. “Why?”

Kihyun opened his mouth, but hesitated. No one had seen his arms, not even Hoseok. Kihyun had always avoided it, tiptoeing around the question, making up excuses he knew his friends didn’t fully buy. But they had always respected his awkwardness surrounding baring his arms to the world, never pressed Kihyun into doing something he wasn’t ready for. Was he ready to tell Hoseok the truth?

No, he really wasn’t. But then again, he doubted he ever would be. Maybe it was time to let someone know and who else could it be, if not his best friend?

“See for yourself,” Kihyun sighed, suddenly tired of the secrecy, as he started to roll op the sleeves of his sweater.

The flowers were darker than usual, seemed to bleed into another, becoming a brown muddled mess of colour where they connected. The petals were shades of reds, greens, purples and blue, all mismatched and mixing into colours that weren’t appealing to the eyes in any way.

Hoseok’s breath hitched a little and his brows furrowed in concern. “Ki… _how_?”

“My arms have looked like this since I was fifteen,” Kihyun said and he was surprised at how blasé he sounded. “It started with slits on the wrists, then followed the white scars, and then the flowers came.”

“You mean…” Hoseok swallowed audibly. “You mean that Changkyun… hurt himself?”

“More than once, yes.”

Silence.

Hoseok broke it, his voice almost a whisper. “Maybe you should talk to him.” 

“I don’t think he’ll want to talk to me, Hoseok.”

Hoseok made a face. “I don’t think you have a choice.”

“How do you-- _oh_.”

The bond had been forged and Kihyun would die if he would avoid Changkyun - as would Changkyun. They would have to talk, to see one another. And with the way Kihyun’s chest was constricting, he highly doubted there was much room for flexibility.

He groaned, _loud_. “Fine.” It was, in fact, _not_ fine, but Kihyun knew he did not really have a choice. “Do you know where he lives?”

“No.” Hoseok shook his head, but he was already grabbing his phone, texting a quick message. “I think Minhyuk might know though. Or, rather, Jooheon knows and so Minhyuk will know by default.”

Kihyun made a strangled noise. “That reminds me,” he said, arching an eyebrow. He had flopped down on the table, his arms crossed in front of him and resting his chin on his arms, the flowers still visible. Hoseok glanced at it every now and then, perhaps out of pity, perhaps out of curiosity, but he didn’t ask. “Where is your other half? Usually you guys are joined by the hip.”

“I’ll see him when I get home.”

“But you haven’t seen him since this morning.”

“We’re _soulmates_ , Kihyun, not glued together.”

Kihyun _tss_ -ked, the sound loud in the kitchen. It was nearing midnight, the outside world dark. It was a moonless night, he remembered, the sky only illuminated by the stars. “I know it hurts you to be away from him for too long.”

Hoseok’s eyes softened, the smile on his lips suddenly a bit sad. “I can manage a day without him, Kihyun.”

“Is this what it feels like to be apart?” Kihyun asked suddenly, lifting his head to take an awkward sip from his tea. Some of it drippled down his chin and on the table. _Clumsy_. He wiped it away with the back of his hand with a little more bitterness than he intended.

“What do you mean?” Hoseok countered. His chair made an awful sound as it scraped across the floor, Hoseok getting up to refill his cup of tea. The water in the kettle wasn’t as warm anymore, but Hoseok didn’t seem to mind.

“I feel like my heart is both being slaughtered by a knife and wrapped tightly in barbwire at the same time. It’s not exactly comfortable.”

“I suppose it feels different for everyone,” Hoseok started tentatively. “For me it feels more like drowning. My lungs get constricted, my muscles tense up. I’m gasping for air, but there is no air to breathe. I know it’s a bit different for Minhyuk and Jooheon. I think Minhyuk mentioned it’s more like burning for him. He just gets… all restless and antsy, can’t sit still at all.”

“Minhyuk can _never_ sit still.”

“You know what I mean.”

He didn’t answer. Kihyun had never given it much thought. It was simply a given that soulmates couldn’t be apart for long and he had been vaguely aware of the fact that the experience was different for everyone, but he had never actually considered it. Part of him wondered if Changkyun felt the same or if the experience for him was different. With each passing minute, Kihyun found it harder to breath, more difficult to live and every fibre of his being was restless.

He knew it wasn’t love, but merely the bond acting up. But he understood now, how people fell head over heels in love with each other. People were soulmates for a reason and the bond was difficult to ignore.

“Minhyuk just texted the address.” Hoseok looked up. “Want me to bring you?”

Kihyun didn’t need to think twice. “Please.”

.

As it turned out, Changkyun didn’t live that far away. He had shared a dorm with Jooheon, before Jooheon had moved in with Minhyuk, and Kihyun realised he had been there before. Not in the dorm itself, but near the building, to pick up Minhyuk one time when the weather had been too awful to walk back home.

The building was old, the stones crumbling a little and cracks visible in the foundation. Most lights were still on and from some windows music could be heard. It made sense, seeing how it was a Saturday night and they were on campus grounds.

Hoseok parked the car and turned off the engine. “Want me to wait for you?”

Kihyun shook his head. “No, I don’t know how long this will take. Besides, you have your own soulmate to go back to.”

Hoseok hugged him, the action a little awkward with the way they were seated, but Kihyun didn’t mind. The hug was more needed than he dared to say. He could feel his hands trembling against Hoseok’s broad chest.

“If you need anything,” Hoseok said once they let go, “just call me, okay?”

“Okay.”

They exchanged quick goodbyes and Kihyun got out of the car quickly. He didn’t look back, but he could hear the engine coming back to life, Hoseok driving away shortly after.

It was cold outside, colder than he had expected. His breath came out if small puffs of smoke and he quickly stuffed his hands in the pockets of his coat.

It took a little time (and asking a few smirking students the way) before Kihyun stood in front of the door that Minhyuk had said would be the right one.

He realised, as he stood in front of the door with his fist raised and some mere centimetres away from knocking, that he was scared. Scared of what was about to come. Scared of what he might have already lost. Scared of the unknown.

But there was also the annoyance. The hatred. All the negative feelings he felt when he took one look at his arms (which were now covered again by his sleeves).

Kihyun knocked, praying Changkyun wouldn’t open.

But he had said before that wishing was futile.

Changkyun opened, dressed in ripped jeans and button-up shirt. _Casual_.

Kihyun couldn’t help but breathe out in relief as the rope around his heart lessened. It was also the first time he allowed himself to actually look at Changkyun, noticing the sharp edges, the way his hair was only pushed back on one side, revealing the piercing that decorated his eyebrow. They were the same height, but Changkyun was a little broader, his shoulders muscular in a way that Kihyun’s would never be.

He was beautiful and it tugged somewhere at Kihyun’s heart.

“Oh,” Changkyun said, his face carefully neutral. “It’s you.”

“I… yeah?”

“Cat got your tongue?”

 _Fuck_. This wasn’t like him. Kihyun was known for his snarky comments. For being able to handle himself in situations like this. For not backing down without a fight. But there was something about the boy in front of him that made him uncharacteristically unbalanced.

“I--I think we… should talk,” he managed to say, but he heard how pathetically scared he sounded.

Changkyun huffed. “And what’s there to talk about, hm?”

“About why you’re acting like this. To me. Your soulmate.” Kihyun straightened his back, feigning confidence. He could do this. He knew he could.

“I think I have every right to act the way I am right now. _Especially_ since you’re my soulmate.”

Now it was Kihyun that huffed. “Oh, do you now? And why is that, if I may ask?”

“Because you have hated me almost your entire life.”

The comment was made so casually, throwing him off a little. He swayed, his brows furrowing. How did Changkyun know that? They had never spoken before meeting. And as far as he was aware, the bond didn’t go as far as reading minds.

“God, you’re not even denying it.” Changkyun shook his head in disbelief, ready to throw the door in Kihyuns face.

Kihyun panicked, stuffing his shoe between the door and pushing the door open again. “Wait!” he exclaimed, almost falling inside once Changkyun opened the door wider.

“For _what_ , exactly?”

Looking back on it, the act was desperate, but Kihyun wasn’t exactly thinking rationally. There was something about finally meeting his soulmate, that made him act on impulse. He pushed his sleeves up, practically shoving his arms in Changkyun’s face. “ _This_ ,” he said, with more venom in his words than he had intended. “This is why I’m not denying it.”

Changkyun didn’t even flinch, simply looked at the flowers decorating Kihyun’s arms, his gaze close to being bored. Kihyun didn’t understand, didn’t know why Changkyun seemed so unsurprised, seemed almost _pleased_ with the way Kihyun’s arms were covered in flowers that were his doing. He grabbed one of Kihyun’s arms though, rough, and dragged him inside, slamming the door behind them. “In case you may have forgotten,” he spat, his face suddenly furious, any pretence at being calm gone, his jaw clenched tight and his chin tilted upwards, “you’re not the only one that had to deal with scars from the other.”

Kihyun didn’t understand, because as far as he knew he had never done anything that might have caused Changkyun to have flowers for scars. “I am not the one that repeatedly hurt myself,” he countered instead, trying to keep his voice down. They might be in Changkyun’s dorm, but that didn’t mean they were in complete privacy. The walls were thin and the common halls busy. He didn’t even want to think about the possible roommate walking in on them.

“No,” Changkyun disagreed softly, but his eyes were dark with something akin to painful hate. “You may not have repeatedly hurt yourself _intently_ , but you have betrayed your heart your entire life.” His hands moved to the buttons of his shirt, fingers long and every other nail painted black. Kihyun noticed they were shaking. Changkyun didn’t seem to care though, opening the buttons with trembling fingers, his burning gaze never wavering from Kihyun. “And by betraying your heart, you have repeatedly hurt _me_.”

He wanted to ask what Changkyun meant, because he just didn’t understand. He wanted to understand what was happening, why Changkyun was reacting the way he did, why he was feeling the way he did. Changkyun, however, gave him no chance, instead undoing the last button of his shirt and sliding the flowy material off his shoulders.

Kihyun stared in utter horror at Changkyun’s exposed chest.

There, right on top of where his heart was beating harsh and rapid underneath his ribcage was the biggest flower Kihyun had ever seen. The petals almost reached the collarbone, dipped below the lowest rib, wrapped around the side. They were jacked, ripped around the edges, torn in too many places to count. Its colours were bright but nowhere near pretty. If colours could visualize emotions, the colours would represent every negative emotion known to mankind.

There was an angry red around the heart of the flower, pulsating with each beat of Changkyun’s heart. There were shades of lonely blues and scared blacks decorating the petals, splattered with drops of cold purple and dying greens.

The flower resembled a petunia flower, he realised.

Kihyun, unconsciously, stepped forward, a sick feeling overtaking his body. He couldn’t look away from the flower on Kihyun’s chest; the visualization of Kihyun’s resentment. His brain refused to understand, but his heart knew. His heart felt the pain, the shame, and the anger.

 _Because petunia’s symbolized resentment and hatred_.

“Hurting myself wasn’t only to numb myself from the pain… It was also a way to hurt _you_.”

Kihyun’s heart shattered. He could hear the cracks giving in, like glass breaking on stone floor. His cheeks were wet with tears, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t look away.

He hadn’t known. He hadn’t realised.

His fingers quivered uncontrollably as he reached out, suddenly _needing_ to touch the scar. It was a relief he didn’t know he craved when Changkyun didn’t move away.

The flower was hot to the touch, burning underneath his own cold fingers.

“Your heart is hurting,” Changkyun said softly and as Kihyun looked up, finally looking away from the flower, he saw Changkyun was crying too. “It burns like that when your heart is hurting.”

Kihyun _broke_.

His sobs came out harsh and uncontrolled as he stumbled forward, closing the last distance between them. His arms wrapped around Changkyun’s body, his nails digging in the soft skin around the shoulder blades. The scar burned hot against his own skin and an aching feeling enveloped Kihyun’s broken heart.

Changkyun gripped just as tight, his nails scraping over Kihyun’s scalp, his lips quivering against Kihyun’s neck.

They cried together, clinging to one another until their tears had dried and their throats were sore and dry. And even then, Kihyun refused to let go. He kept holding on to Changkyun, the grip so tight it must feel uncomfortable for the younger. But Changkyun held on just as tight, as if his life depended on it.

Kihyun let him.

Kihyun would never deny Changkyun anything ever again. His entire life, he had resented Changkyun. Resented the kid for being so careless all the time. Resented the kid for hurting himself so often that Kihyun’s arms were covered in flowers to prove it.

Eventually, Kihyun moved back a little, loosening his grip. He had hurt Changkyun enough for an entire lifetime and while he was sure he would fuck up countless of times again in the future, he would do everything in his power to avoid it.

His gaze dropped down to flower on the exposed skin. It looked red - _angry_ \- around the edges of the petals.

Kihyun breathed shakily. “Let me remove it, please,” he whispered, _so close_ to crying again. The scar needed to go. Changkyun deserved that much.

Changkyun didn’t answer immediately. He shuffled on his feet a little, suddenly a little awkward and Kihyun felt his heart tug. That was the funny thing with soulmates; you didn’t love because of it, but you were connected, nonetheless. Love would feed the connection, allowing it to blossom and grow.

And all Kihyun had ever done was trying to break the connection, the wither it down until it was barely holding on by a thread. The idea of soulmates had repulsed him so much that he had allowed the hate to take over, in turn hurting the one person his soul never wanted to hurt.

No more.

He didn’t know Changkyun that well, but he could see himself fall in love with the younger. Changkyun was everything Kihyun wanted and needed in a partner. But Changkyun had to give him that chance.

“ _Please_ ,” Kihyun pleaded, suddenly aware of how close their faces were.

He had just enough time to see Changkyun nod before their lips crashed together. It was a little clumsy, but neither cared as they clung to one another, their lips moving with anger and sadness and passion all at once, answering the needs of their souls.

And in a way he had never felt before in his entire life, Kihyun suddenly felt like being _home_.

.

“Let me see it go away,” Changkyun said, nodding towards the mirror that stood in the corner of his room (piles of discarded clothing around it, mostly black sweaters).

They had moved to Changkyun’s bedroom, not wanting to deal with the possibility of roommates suddenly walking in. Kihyun had the feeling Changkyun had kept his mark just as hidden as he himself had done.

Kihyun nodded and waited for Changkyun to position himself in such a way that he could see the scar vanish. It felt odd to do it. From a young age, Kihyun had been told that only soulmate’s kisses could undo the scars that ran too deep to disappear on their own. Only the touch of his lips against the coloured skin could remove what Kihyun himself had caused.

It felt like the cruellest form of irony.

“Ready?” Kihyun asked.

Changkyun didn’t seem to be ready, taking shallow and too-rapid breaths. His eyes were glued to the flower on his chest, the skin still raw from Kihyun’s own heartache. And yet, as he balled his hands into trembling fists, he nodded.

Kihyun took his time, placing kisses against the corners of Changkyun’s lips first, carefully cupping his hands around Changkyun’s head. There was no pattern in his kisses as he slowly trailed down, placing soft kisses against Changkyun’s neck, against his shoulder, across his collarbone.

But he tried, almost desperately, to put all his feelings of regret and sorrow in those kisses. To show Changkyun that he was sorry and that his entire being screamed for Changkyun to be close, to stay close. Kihyun wanted nothing more than to have Changkyun with him forever.

He knew it wasn’t out of love, not yet, but simply their bond that finally latched onto one another and would refuse to ever let go again. But Kihyun wasn’t stupid. Daft, maybe, occasionally pessimistic, but never stupid. Their bond had always been stronger than most bonds, without having ever seen one another. The shared broken bones were enough of a giveaway. Kihyun knew that letting Changkyun go would be the biggest mistake he would ever make.

It would not be easy, their trust damaged before they ever had a chance to even built it, but it was not broken beyond repair. They could do this, and they would do it - _together_.

His lips grazed the first petal, the one that reached up and nearly touched the collarbone. It was still hot to the touch and it made his lips tingle almost uncomfortably. Kihyun didn’t fully understand the mechanisms behind scars like these, but he knew he would walk through fire if it meant the flower would vanish from Changkyun’s skin.

Changkyun trembled against him and Kihyun tried to comfort him, whispering sweet words into the silence that had enveloped them. “It’s okay,” he muttered as he dragged his lips down across one of the petals. “You’re doing amazing. Just a little longer, baby, I’ll get you through this.”

And then his lips reached the heart of the flower, where the red was dark and angry - _bleeding_ \- and seemed to move due to Changkyun’s heartbeat. It scorched his lips, burned his own heart. Kihyun wanted to bolt away, away from the heat and the pain, but he dug his heels in the soft carpet, grasped one of Changkyun’s hands for support. He wasn’t going to run away. Not this time.

Kissing the heart of the flower was both liberating and the worst kind of pain Kihyun had ever experienced. It _burned_ , in ways he didn’t know were possible. All the hate, all the resentment; all was released as Kihyun undid the mark. And he could feel it in his own heart.

It was a blissful agony.

He started crying again, the salty tears falling down on Changkyun’s skin.

Still, Kihyun didn’t pull away, continued instead with placing kisses all over the flower, willing the ugly scar to go away.

The colours faded and bled across Changkyun’s skin, as if someone had knocked over a glass of water over a watercolour painting. It moved across his chest in random patterns, making the skin look all kinds of mismatched colours as they lightened and moved.

Changkyun was crying again, too, and Kihyun held his hands as he continued kissing the coloured skin until there was nothing more to kiss.

He didn’t know how long it had taken for the colours to finally fade into nothing, but the sun had almost set, colouring Changkyun’s bedroom in soft hues of orange.

Changkyun’s eyes were red from crying, but there was a certain serenity visible in them that Kihyun hadn’t seen before.

“It’s gone.”

The words were the first either of them had said for quite some time and Changkyun’s body jumped a little upon hearing the sudden sounds. He sighed, the sound harsh in the silent room, and looked at his own reflection.

“It’s weird,” he said, brows furrowed together. “I have been so used to seeing it… It’s strange to… not see it.”

“Are you okay, though?”

“Apart from the minor freak-out about seeing my skin clean for the first time in years… Yeah. It feels oddly… liberating.”

Kihyun hummed in agreement, his fingers tracing patterns over Changkyun’s clean skin. It felt normal now, not scorching hot anymore and while the colour was a bit on the pale side, there were no more angry red lines. “I am truly sorry,” he said, even though he had already said he was a dozen of times. “I got so caught up in my own resentment and hatred that I forgot my actions had consequences.”

Changkyun wrapped his hands delicately around Kihyun’s face, guiding him up so they were face to face again. “It’s okay. We found one another in the end, didn’t we?”

Kihyun swallowed, a lump _again_ forming in his throat. It seemed this day would continue to make him cry. “What if I mess up again? What if I do something stupid again and the flower comes back?”

“I won’t let that happen,” Changkyun said, placing a soft kiss on Kihyun’s lips. “I might not agree with your reasons behind your resentment, but I can understand where you’re coming from.” He grabbed Kihyun’s wrists, gentle caressing the many flowers that were peeking out from underneath the hem of Kihyun’s sleeve. “Besides,” Changkyun continued, his face suddenly sombre, “it’s not like I haven’t hurt you either.”

“It’s okay,” Kihyun breathed, because it _was_. He had resented those flowers on his skin ever since they had first appeared. But perhaps they could become something more meaningful. A reminder.

“Do you want me to remove them?”

Kihyun shook his head. “Not yet. Let me have them as a reminder of all the pain I’ve caused. I have to deal with that knowledge for the rest of my life. Until I’ve come to terms with that, I want to keep the flowers.”

“You’re silly,” Changkyun chuckled.

“No, I’m just incredibly stupid.”

“You’re not stupid Kihyun.”

Kihyun wanted to protest, but Changkyun pulled him closer to kiss him again. It was slow, caring, _loving_ and Kihyun felt so close to crying again. Instead he pulled Changkyun closer, enveloping the younger in everything he had to give.

“Are we going to be okay?” Changkyun asked once the kissing had slowed and they were simply holding each other.

“I’d like to think we will be,” Kihyun answered, burying his face in the crook of Changkyun’s neck. He smelled a little musky, masculine, but there was something that reminded Kihyun of flowers. The irony, yet again, wasn’t lost on him. “I know we don’t have the best start, but I know I physically can’t stay away from you without dying. And if I’m honest… I don’t think I’d want to stay away from you emotionally.”

Changkyun hummed, the sound low enough to send a shiver down Kihyun’s spine. “I feel the same.”

“I know I can’t say that I love you yet, because we are not there yet and we might not be there for a while. But…” Kihyun dragged himself upwards, meeting Changkyun’s gaze. “I really would like to fall in love with you, Changkyun, because I think I really could, given the opportunity.”

Changkyun kissed him, whispering a soft and heart-felt “I want to fall in love with you, too,” against Kihyun’s lips, and pulled Kihyun with him, into that blissful place that was entirely theirs.

Kihyun knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. Being a soulmate didn’t mean you would immediately love each other. But being a soulmate did count for something and perhaps being a soulmate was enough for the two of them to be okay.

As they shed their clothes and explored one another, Changkyun carefully avoiding Kihyun’s arms, Kihyun could feel himself fall just a little. And as they made love for the very first time, but not the last, underneath the moonless sky, in a too-small bed, inside a too-cluttered bedroom, Kihyun could feel himself fall a little deeper.

When they fell onto one another in a mess of tangled limbs, bodies worn and sweaty, Changkyun smiling a dimpled smile, Kihyun knew that it would all be okay.

 _They_ would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing this.


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